


Body Count

by StrivingForImprovement



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, Implied Sexual Content, Inappropriate Humor, Multi, Sex Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:54:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29010120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrivingForImprovement/pseuds/StrivingForImprovement
Summary: It all started with a question snapped by Steve after being teased for being a virgin. “Oh yeah, how many people have you slept with then!”
Comments: 2
Kudos: 42





	Body Count

**Author's Note:**

> This story has no real plot besides the obvious and was really just born out of a question that made me laugh a little bit so I hope you enjoy and chuckle at least a little

Steve was redder than a tomato in the face, arms crossed heavily across his chest as he stubbornly looked down at the ground between his feet refusing to meet Barton’s gaze. Clint, sitting five feet from him and laughing with a level of intensity that would make the joker proud, looked like he had just heard the funniest joke in the world.

“Are you serious man!”

Steve glared at him. “Hey, I’m an old fashioned guy! That’s not how we did things back then!”

Clint stopped laughing long enough to smirk at his friend. “Oh come on man don’t give me the righteous soldier act you can’t tell me you didn’t want to ‘touch base’ with some of the women passing you by!”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Of course I wanted to, I’m still a human being! I just have restraint unlike you!”

Clint opened his mouth to reply but just then, Tony entered the room looking half-conscious, as usual, and went over to make his morning cup of coffee. All of the hard glares and headshaking in the world couldn’t stop the look of mischief that spread across Clint’s face when he saw Tony walk in.

“Tony guess what? Cap’s a virgin!”

Clint fell back laughing while Steve covered his hands with his face and let out a groan of frustration. Of all the people to tell… Unfortunately for Clint Tony was way too tired to care about their friend’s complete lack of a sex life. “Big deal. The guys from the forties of course he’s a virgin.”

Clint looked up at him skeptically. “So you mean to tell me if you were from the forties, you would still be a virgin.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “Genius billionaire  _ playboy _ philanthropist.”

Steve recrossed his arms looking indignant. “Oh come on it’s not the most unusual thing in the world! Besides, having sex with that many people can’t be good for you anyway.”

“Now that’s where I have to disagree with you cap.” Clint nodded in agreement with Tony’s statement and the two high-fived as Tony came to lean against the counter next to where Clint and Steve were sitting.

“Oh yeah,” Clint snapped, annoyed by the whole conversation, “how many people have you slept with then!”

Clint shrugged. “About twenty-five. Hey don’t look at me like that, you may be from the forties but I’m not!” Cap looked terrified at his friend absolutely amazed that a person could sleep with that many people and have no shame about it. Tony chuckled and then regretted it as soon as it happened when it brought the attention back to him.

Tony took a sip of his coffee to stall but sighed when he saw his friends were still staring at him. “I don’t know I’ve slept with a lot of people! Jarvis, what’s my body count?”

“Sir, am I to limit my results to all interactions that ended in actual intercourse?”

“Yes remove everything else we’ll be here all night if you include all of that.”

“Very well sir. Your body count not including any events that weren’t witnessed by me or captured by the media is 323.”

Tony gestured up at the ceiling nonchalantly. “That.”

The room was silent for a moment beside the sounds of Tony sipping his coffee for a second as the two considered just how many people that was before “Wow Tony. You’re a whore.”

“Are you seriously trying to shame me?” Clint and Steve shrugged. “What part of playboy did you not understand. Also, slight correction, I  _ was _ a whore.”

“You were? Shocking.” Everyone turned to see Loki, appearing out of nowhere and sounding not at all shocked, going over to the cupboard to grab his morning cup of tea.

Clint turned to him unable to resist. “Hey, Chris Angel what’s your body count? Stark’s is three hundred something.”

Loki sighed. It was too early in the day for this. “Who and what?”

“Chris Angel, he’s a famous magician, and body count, the number of different people you’ve slept with.” Tony supplied, suddenly really interested in the conversation.

Loki shook his head, nonchalant. “I’m thousands of years old how am I supposed to know? Wait, did he say three hundred something?”

Tony shrugged trying to look aloof. “He might have. I got around.”

Loki chuckled. “You did a bit more than just ‘get around’ if the number is that high Anthony. If memory serves the average number for midgaridans in an entire lifetime is much lower than that.”

Tony raised a brow at that. “So what, you’re saying you don’t have a high number?”

“I didn’t say that.”

Three people were staring at him waiting but unlike with Tony, tricks like that weren’t likely to work on the trickster. The ding of the elevator interrupted their staring contest as Bruce and Natasha walked onto the floor. Nat joined the two men sitting at the table and calmly reclined in her chair silently relaxing and happy to be in the presence of her friends.

“Hey, Nat, what’s your body count.”

“Nope.” She got up and immediately headed towards the elevator. Her friends were overrated anyway. Before she got there she heard Clint complaining.

“Awww come on Nat why not?”

“Because the only person in this room with the maturity to have my honest answer to that question is Bruce, and he already knows.”

Clint immediately turned to Bruce surprised. “You know!”

He sighed, already rubbing the bridge of his nose from being with his friends. “I’m the team doctor. I know everyone’s sexual history.”

“Even Tony’s three hundred something?”

“Yes, even Tony’s. That was a long session.”

“Oh come on!” Tony protested. “It wasn’t that bad!”

“No, it wouldn’t have been that bad if you hadn’t decided to go into detail…”

Tony chuckled. “What can I say Brucey. The look on your face when you get flustered is just too adorable to miss.”

“Wait,” clint turned suddenly “do you know Loki’s?”

Everyone turned expectantly but wee disappointed when bruce shook his head. “When I asked for a general account of his sexual history he politely responded that a ‘general account’ would take the rest of my lifetime to get through.”

Clint cursed, upset he was at another dead end but, then again, there was still another person in the room who had still yet to divulge. Bruce rolled his eyes and turned to Clint who was obviously getting ready to ask. “Before you say it, there’s nothing to ask me about. I’m a virgin.”

Cap looked proud, Clint looked surprised. “You too? You’re as bad as cap!”

Bruce shrugged “Actually I think Steve is much better than me. He chooses not to have sex, a very admirable feat. I have a green rage monster in me that makes it quite difficult to even try.”

“I thought he only came out when you got angry.”

Bruce shrugged. “Unfortunately many of the neural impulses for different emotions look the same to the other guy. He can’t always tell if I’m overworked because I’m angry or because I’m… excited.”

“Soooo,” Tony started, leaning closer “if you didn’t have the green machine tucked away inside you blocking you all the time…”

Bruce sighed. “I doubt I would be anywhere near Tony’s level but I wouldn’t exactly be a virgin either.” 

“Why am I the bar!”

“What part of playboy did you not understand?” Clint immediately said, happy to throw his friend’s words from earlier back in his face. Tony made a face.

Everyone’s attention turned when there was a loud crash outside and Thor landed on the balcony and walked into the communal kitchen. “Friends! It is good to see you!”

“Hey blondie! You’re the last one!” Tony greeted happily.

Thor immediately headed towards the fridge confused. “Last to what?”

“What’s your body count?” Clint immediately asked.

Thor turned to Loki confused not stopping his pillaging of the food supply. “The number of different people you’ve slept with.”

“Ah! Well, there’s not much to tell there. I was very honorable even before lady Jane. I only slept with a few hundred people over the millennia.”

“So when Thor sleeps with a few hundred people it’s reasonable but when I do it, I’m promiscuous.”

“One,” Loki started “you are promiscuous. Or at least you were. Two, you are in your early thirties. Thor is in his early three thousands. It’s a bit of a difference.”

Thor laughed at that. “You should hear about the number of people Loki’s been with.”

Now  _ that _ was interesting.

“Oh," Tony said, turning to Thor excitedly "and where exactly would you estimate that number to be big guy?”

Thor completely missed the murder look Loki gave him and simply shrugged. “I don’t know somewhere in the upper tens of thousands.”

Thor left food in hand and completely oblivious to the sudden lack of motion breathing or life signs in general in the room.

Tony turned slowly to the frozen Jotun who was aptly frozen in place in the kitchen. He looked like he was about to have a heart attack. “ _ Upper _ tens of thousands?”

Loki’s eyes shifted between all of the people looking at him before he decided this was no longer a situation he wished to be in. “Bye.” He disappeared, leaving a small puff of smoke as the only proof he was there.

“Oh no no no we’re talking about this! Loki!” Tony ran over to the elevator pushing the button like his life depended on it.

Steve turned back to Clint with a disapproving look on his face as the archer stared off sheepishly in the direction of where Tony had just disappeared. He turned back to the other two occupants of the table and shrugged sheepishly. Steve shook his head.

“You just had to ask.”


End file.
